“We are attracted to people who express the qualities we deny or repress in ourselves.”
You keep going to the same restaurant year after year, ordering the same stuff. It’s comforting and you feel good when you’re eating it. But when you get home you feel sick to your stomach. You couldn’t resist because it’s your favorite junk food!
Relationships are like this too. We have our favorite subconscious pattern that we keep ordering, again and again – only with different people and various appetizers.
When we get sick we blame the restaurant, then the cook, or the food itself.
The Truth is That You Placed The Order
Last year I entered into a relationship that seemed fairytale-like at first. After a few months, the turbulence kicked in, and I realized I was in the same situation as in all my previous relationships: feeling rejected and abandoned.
In the past, I’ve chosen men that were unavailable, in one way or another. Then usually some kind of abandonment scenario would ensue.
It’s the exact opposite of what I consciously want. Yet, it’s what I’ve been getting nearly every time.
So, What’s Going on?
We enter into significant relationships to work out our major issues, often established in early childhood.
As a child, you have no filter for what’s wrong or right, you simply absorb whatever is going on. If one of your parents left, or there was any kind of abuse going on; be it mental, verbal or physical, rest assured that you will be acting out your dramas with your partners. It’s a subconscious play that repeats itself until the wound is healed.
Relationships are no play date. Being in one is much like holding a mirror to your deepest fears. This is what you need to face, learn and let go. Consequently, that’s what you get until you do.
You Can Call it Karma or Law of Attraction..
We choose our partners because they resonate to the same underlying emotional patterns we hold. This connection holds a key to something we need to resolve and heal. This is the soul’s way of pushing us to the next level in our evolution.
Early Abandonment Issues?
My father was not around much. When he was there, he would retreat into his own world, leaving to work on cars until late at night. This was his way of escaping the family life that he really didn’t want. He simply wasn’t emotionally or physically available for most of my life.
Naturally, my mother felt abandoned. Finally, she left me and my father after years of deep unhappiness and resentment. I was left growing up by myself, since my dad was largely unavailable and did not know how to function in the parenting world.
Acting Out Subconscious Patterns
As children we have no other playground for relationship models except those of our parents. This was the relationship blueprint I had taken on from early childhood: I keep choosing men that are emotionally or physically unavailable, so I can avoid truly connecting, in fear of abandonment. It’s pretty obvious where I picked that one up.
If you were abandoned or felt rejected by one or both of your parents, you might be stuck in a similar relationship pattern.
Don’t Re-live the Past
Anyone who has been in a long term relationship has likely repeated their traumas a few times over, leaving hurt and wondering what the hell happened in the end.
We keep re-living our past, until we become conscious of the underlying patterns, and start to do the work that is required to overcome the dysfunctions.
Avoiding your problem or projecting it on someone else is a foolproof recipe for conflict and separation. Have a look the issue that keeps popping up as a common theme in your relationships. Are you seeing the pattern yet?
Once you’ve chosen to take responsibility for your repressed emotions, you will come to see that you’re attracting difficult relationships and connections for a reason: to heal your past and mature beyond the wounded ego.
Look at Things From Both Sides
It’s easy to get stuck in drama and hurt when you only see your side of the story. Try to look at things from your partner’s perspective. Doing this opens you up to the empathy that both need, in order to resolve any conflict.
What was his childhood like? What were the major events that took place in his life? How did his past relationships end? Look into his early traumas, and put yourself in his place. How do your past experiences mirror his?
What if it Doesn’t Work Out?
If only one party is ready to work on resolving deeper issues, the relationship will likely terminate, and usually not in a pretty way.
Be willing to learn from the experience, instead of lingering in the pain and hurt of past stories, and you will be ahead of the game next time around.
There is a valuable lesson in every difficult or painful seeming relationship. If you do not see the lesson, that doesn’t mean there wasn’t one. You have simply chosen not to look at it, and are surely in for a repeat course.
“We do not attract what we want, but what we are” -James Lane Allen
“Be grateful for whoever comes, because each guest has been sent as a guide from beyond” –Rumi